The Power of Control & Acceptance: Finding Peace in the Chaos

Life can feel like a whirlwind—constantly shifting and often overwhelming. It’s easy to believe that life is simply happening to us, leaving us powerless. But what if we flipped that perspective? In today’s episode, we explore how life can actually happen through us when we focus on what we can control and learn to accept what we can’t.

We’ll dive into:
 ✅ The illusion of control and how it impacts our well-being
 ✅ How to shift our mindset toward empowerment and resilience
 ✅ The role of boundaries in protecting our peace
 ✅ Why acceptance isn’t passive but a powerful choice
 ✅ Practical steps to cultivate control, acceptance, and balance in everyday life

By understanding the balance between control and acceptance, we can move through life with more peace, resilience, and fulfillment.

Transcript

Life can often feel like a whirlwind of circumstances, a constant flow of experiences, challenges, and emotions that seem beyond our grasp and out of our control. It’s easy to feel as though life is happening to us, leaving us at the mercy of whatever happens to come our way. However, we can shift this when we realize that life doesn’t simply happen to us; but it can happen thru us and we can and do play an active role in shaping our experiences, responding and reacting to what comes our way. By focusing on what we can control and learning to accept and move on from what we can’t, we unlock the key to a more peaceful and fulfilling life. A life that feels more like it’s meant for us instead of feeling like you are rolling over, sucking it up and having life force fed to you. I know that sounds awful but don’t you feel like that sometimes? Like you just have to take whatever is thrown your way and that’s what makes it feels worse sometimes...that we have no choice. So let’s talk a bit more about control...or maybe the illusion and lack of control.

Wanting to control something, anything and everything is a natural part of being human. We all crave predictability and stability because it gives us a sense of safety..a sense of if I know what’s coming, I’ll be prepared, I won’t get hurt, I’ll be ok. However, the reality of life is that complete control is an illusion and honestly impossible for anyone no matter how equipped they think they are. Things change outside of our control, unexpected events occur, and other people make choices that affect us whether they intend to or not and we do the same for others. Recognizing the limits of our control is not an admission of defeat; rather, it is the first step toward empowerment, toward a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

When we hold onto the thoughts of controlling everything, we set ourselves up for frustration and disappointment. For example, trying to control how others perceive us or respond to us honestly is not worth the effort and usually unsuccessful. People’s thoughts and reactions are shaped by their own experiences and perspectives, right wrong or indifferent...their experiences and perceptions are beyond our influence or control and honestly not worth your time or energy. Understanding this truth allows us to redirect our energy toward what we can control: our own thoughts, actions, and responses regardless of what others may think about us. Of course we all want people to think the best of us but we ourselves need to think and know the best of us and if others can’t or don’t want to see that...then so be it and let it go.

At the core of finding peace lies the practice of focusing on the aspects of life within our control. These include our own attitudes, behaviors, and choices. By really focusing in on these areas, we reclaim a sense of purpose, a true sense of control and reduce the anxiety that comes from attempting to control the uncontrollable.

So let’s first start with our mindset. Our thoughts and beliefs shape how we perceive the world. Choosing a positive and growth-oriented mindset allows us to navigate challenges with resilience and you’ve already started haven’t you by choosing to listen in today. While we can’t always control what happens to us, we can control how we interpret and respond to those events around us. For instance, a setback can be seen as a failure...or as an opportunity to learn and grow. The choice is ours in how we see it.

Continuing practices and daily actions to include mindfulness and gratitude can help us cultivate a healthier mindset. By focusing on the present moment and appreciating what we have and not what we don’t have, we shift our attention away from what is lacking or uncertain. This small mental shift, this change in how we look at things helps to create more inner peace and reduces stress.

The next is our actions. While we cannot dictate outcomes of whatever we’re trying to achieve, whomever we’re trying to attract or focus on, we can control the effort we put into this. Taking intentional and purposeful actions aligns us with our goals and values. Now have you really thought about what your goals and values actually are? The more you define that for yourself, the more you know what is important to you, the more you are likely to stay on course in your actions. Even in situations where success isn’t guaranteed, the act of trying—of giving our best effort—can be empowering.

For example, consider someone searching for a job. While you can’t control the hiring manager’s decision, you can control how well you prepare for the interview, the effort you put into revising and updating your resume, and your persistence in applying to multiple job opportunities, following up and asking the hard questions of why you weren’t selected for this position? What can you learn from not being selected and is there more you need to train up on, better ways you can respond to interview questions. By focusing on these controllable factors, you can increase your chances of success while minimizing feelings of helplessness. 

Next is boundaries. Setting boundaries is an essential part of focusing on what we can control. This includes defining how we allow others to treat us and what we are willing to accept in relationships whether it’s work, family, friends or in a partner. By asserting our boundaries, we create a healthier environment for ourselves and those around us. For instance, if a friend’s negativity begins to drain your energy, you have the power to communicate your feelings and set limits on the time you spend together...remember that boundaries are for you, not for them. This proactive step preserves your well-being and reinforces the importance of mutual respect and reinforces the importance of your own self care.

Now one of the most important things in life and it’s the other side of the coin in control and that is the art of acceptance. Acceptance is often misunderstood as resignation or passivity, not caring to do anything about something. In reality, acceptance is a powerful and active choice. It involves acknowledging the reality of a situation without judgment or resistance. By accepting what we cannot change, whether it’s people’s perceptions, their actions, or anything outside our control, we free ourselves from the negative emotions of trying to fight the inevitable or the uncontrollable.

The first step toward acceptance is identifying what lies beyond our control. These include the past, other people’s choices, and external events. Holding onto anger or regret over these aspects, ruminating about what we could have done, should have done, only prolongs our suffering. Instead, we can focus on what we can learn from the experience and how we can move forward.

For instance, if a relationship ends unexpectedly, it’s natural to feel hurt and confused. But dwelling over and over again on why it happened or trying to change the other person’s decision won’t bring peace. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the time to reflect, but by accepting the situation and reflecting on what the relationship taught us, what can we learn from it, was it all bad and if so, why did we let it go on so long? What were we getting from the relationship and why? What can we use towards the next relationship to create a healthier choice, were there good parts to it that we can focus on more. Yes, have a good cry, maybe a few of them but then reflect on the lessons so we open the door to healing and growth.

And ask yourself if you’re resisting the reality, resisting what you don’t want to see. Resistance often manifests as denial, anger, or a constant yearning for things to be different. While it’s natural to feel these emotions initially, holding onto them prevents us from moving forward. Letting go of resistance doesn’t mean we have to like or approve of a situation; it means we choose to stop fighting reality.

For example, imagine being caught in heavy traffic on the way to an important meeting. No amount of frustration or honking will clear the road. By accepting the delay and using the time to listen to a podcast like this one, audiobook or practice deep breathing, we shift our focus from what we can’t control to how we can make the best of the situation.

In many cases the act of acceptance goes hand in hand with forgiveness. This could be forgiving others for their actions but also could be about forgiving ourselves for our mistakes. Holding onto grudges or self-blame only perpetuates negativity. Forgiveness allows us to release the emotional weight of the past and move forward with more peace and power. Power in the fact that you allow yourself to move forward for yourself regardless of the need to be right, the need for an apology, the need for closure.

If you’ve been hurt by a friend or someone you love, while the pain is valid, holding onto resentment only deepens the wound and allows it to fester in you most of all. By forgiving the friend—not necessarily to reconcile or make it easier for them, but to free yourself from the burden of anger—you can reclaim your peace. And they don’t even need to know about your forgiveness, you don’t even need to share it with them. It’s for you and your heart to know.

Control and acceptance are not opposing forces; they are complementary. Together, they create a balanced approach to life. By focusing on what we can control, we empower ourselves to take meaningful action. By accepting what we cannot control, we free ourselves from unnecessary suffering.

This balance is so well said in the Serenity Prayer, which asks for "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." This wisdom can only be found through self-awareness and reflection, allowing us to navigate life with greater clarity and peace.

So how do you gain this better mindset to stop allowing life to just happen to us, but instead more actively through us? Start by setting aside time each day to reflect on what went well and what could be improved. Acknowledge the aspects you controlled and those you couldn’t. This practice helps you focus on growth while reinforcing acceptance where it is needed.

Meditation, deep breathing, and other mindfulness techniques ground us in the present moment...a lot of what we are trying to control is in the past which of course is beyond our control or the future which gives us the illusion of control but it’s just that...an illusion. By staying in the moment, the now, we learn to observe our thoughts without becoming attached to them. Reflecting on what you are grateful for shifts your focus from what is lacking to what is already there in your life. This simple practice rewires your brain to notice and appreciate positive aspects of your day...I know this can feel hard but I promise you the more you stay in the moment and stay grateful, the easier it will be to flow into that state naturally.

And maybe you need some help getting there. Sharing your experiences with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help provide perspective and encouragement. Sometimes, an outside viewpoint helps us see solutions or pathways to acceptance we may have overlooked. Those that know you best may help you see what’s right in front of you so take all the support that is offered or simply ask for it.

And remember the whole point of this podcast is little changes so when you feel you’re faced with overwhelming situations, break them into manageable actions. Focus on the step immediately in front of you rather than the entire journey. Progress, no matter how small, builds momentum and confidence.

I’ll say it again, life doesn’t have to happen to us; it can happen through us. Every moment presents a choice: to focus on what we can control or to resist what we cannot. By embracing this choice, we transform our relationship with life itself. There is a question from a book called The Lost Bookshop by Evie Woods...What is something you create even if you do nothing? Choice...choosing not to do something is still a choice.

As we close today, I want to remind you that focusing on what you can control—your mindset, actions, and boundaries—empowers yourself to live with intention and purpose. Accepting what lies beyond your control can help free you from unnecessary heartache and can allow you to move forward with grace and help create a life full of peace, resilience, and fulfillment. And I’ll be the first to say that a lot of what I speak about on my podcast are things that I have to actively work on. I’m such a type A control person and accepting the here and now is something I constantly have to remind myself and focus on...it’s so easy to fall back into those feelings of being in the tornado without anything to hold onto. It takes work to find your feet and stay planted but it’s worth it. So Please share this episode with those around you that also need to find the balance between control and acceptance. I bet you are thinking of quite a few people this can apply to so I appreciate you sharing this episode and so will they.

As you navigate the good, the bad and the ugly of life, remember that the power to shape your experience rests within you. Embrace acceptance, knowing you cannot control everything and use that power to lead you toward a brighter, more peaceful existence, little by little and peace by peace.