Supporting Without Sinking: Loving Others Without Losing Yourself

In today’s episode, we dive into the tough but essential topic of how to support a loved one through emotional struggles—without sacrificing your own well-being. We unpack what true support looks like, how to set loving boundaries, and why protecting your own peace is not selfish, but necessary. With gentle reminders, and practical tips, this episode is all about standing strong beside those we care for, without dimming our own light. Tune in and discover how your healing journey can inspire theirs—one peaceful step at a time.

Transcript

 Welcome back or maybe thanks for finding us and giving us a listen. We’re hear to talk about some big stuff today but as we always do, we will try to break it down and try to find all the little things we can do to deal with these big stuff items. Today’s episode… man, It’s a big one and it’s one I didn’t even have on my list to talk about yet but it’s something I’ve been thinking of and these last few weeks the universe kept pushing it my way so here we are. We’re talking about something that’s close to so many hearts: how to support a loved one, a family member or friend, who’s struggling emotionally—without losing yourself in the process. Chances are that you are already thinking of someone, or maybe a couple someones that are struggling. Whether it’s what’s going on in the world and everyone having different opinions that seem at odds with each other...maybe concerned about losing their jobs or having their lives completely changed and out of their control. Maybe they’re struggling because they too have a family member dealing with issues such as a partner or child...and it’s the domino affect of pain that they are feeling, and they you are feeling...and no one knows what to do to help each other and sometimes we’re too afraid to fail at helping that we don’t even try. Or you keep trying, you keep offering solutions and nothing ever comes of it or you’re just so exhausted from it all, you don’t know what to do next...for them or for you.

Let’s just sit with that for a second. 

Because if you’re here, chances are you’ve been there. You’ve had someone in your life—maybe a partner, a parent, a best friend—who’s going through it. Anxiety, depression, overwhelm, maybe even trauma or grief. And you love them. You want to be there. But it’s starting to feel like… you’re carrying more than you can hold.

Sound familiar? Think about this person or persons and do you then find yourself thinking now or in the past...“Am I helping or am I enabling this person?” “Why do I feel so drained from our interactions?” “Is it okay to take a step back but how and when?” If you’re thinking or have thought these things recently, then let’s sit with this together and let’s explore a little bit and see if we can focus on 

• What real support looks like...and remember each person may have different levels and different types of support than you might think of
• How to set loving, healthy boundaries so you can help without drowning
• When to step back—and how to do it without feeling so darn guilty or that you’re not loving them enough
• And how to keep your peace while being present for someone in pain...how to create space for support without absorbing so much of their pain

So let’s get started and let me say, most of these podcasts are as much for me as they are for you and today, it’s especially true. I need to hear this and remind myself as well based on my own experiences. Loving someone who’s struggling can be such an emotional roller coaster. One minute you’re pouring your heart out trying to lift them up. The next, you’re questioning if it’s even helping or if it’s falling on deaf ears. And somewhere along the way, your own emotional needs start fading into the background or in being involved and helping them with their pain, sometimes their pain has rebounded and caused you to be in pain as well but they’re so fragile and need so much, how do you deal with your own pain without making it all about you?.

First let me say that you are not making it about you and it’s ok to know your own limits and what you do or don’t need and make that a priority...that doesn’t make you a bad partner, friend, or family member. It makes you human. We are wired for empathy. We want to connect. We want to help. But the truth is: You can’t heal someone else’s pain for them...you can support them, you can encourage them, you can listen but healing is something only they can do themselves. And trying to take charge of someone else’s healing will only leave you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and—let’s be honest—sometimes even resentful.

The key thing we need to remember is that support isn’t about fixing someone—it’s about being with them while they fix themselves. So what does healthy, grounded, soul-nourishing support, for them and for you, really mean.

First of all, support does not mean self sacrifice. We think being there means always being there and available. Or that we have to put our own life on pause to tend to someone else’s struggle. But that’s not support or at least it’s not healthy sustainable support. That’s self-abandonment. Support is about be present, not being pressured...now in many cases it’s not them pressuring you but you pressuring you. It’s about walking beside someone, not walking for them. 

Support sometimes its just letting them know, I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. But what does that mean really, how do you do that, where are the lines so you don’t abandon yourself? Here’s some thoughts...

• Checking in regularly—but also respecting their space. They may not want to see you yet but just knowing you’re there for them may be enough.
• Letting them vent without offering unsolicited advice or as I have to force myself not to do, to offer a solution or a fix. sometimes it’s just they need to get things out and let off steam, they’re not trying to fix it, they just want to talk about it
• Recognizing and celebrating those tiny wins and acts of self care that they’ve takem...especially the ones they don’t even realize are self care like getting out of the house, taking a walk
• And encouraging professional help if that’s what may be needed and reminding them that is a strong and beautiful step if they need to take it.

But also? Real support includes supporting yourself too. Because it’s easy to cross the line from support into self-sacrifice—and not even realize it. Especially when your heart is all in and especially if this person plays a significant role in your life like a child or spouse or partner. You hate to see them in pain and struggling and all you want to do is help them. So let’s talk about the warning signs and some red flags that might mean you’ve gone from support mode into survival mode:

First, You feel guilty taking time for yourself.
 You hesitate to unplug the phone or turn it off just in case they need you...you don’t go out with friends, or even relax because you feel like you’re “abandoning” them.

The 2nd, their emotions dictate your mood.
 If they’re down, you’re down. If they’re angry, you’re walking on eggshells. You’re constantly looking to them to figure out how you should feel, react or even start your day.

Next You’ve stopped talking about your own needs.
 The relationship starts to revolve entirely around their pain and there’s no time or conversation about what you need, where you fit into their life when the pain is taking up so much space.

And maybe You feel burned out, resentful, or emotionally numb.
 You love them, but you’re exhausted

And You’re avoiding your own life.
 You’ve stopped prioritizing your goals, self-care, or joy. You’re focusing so much on them and ensuring they are doing what they need to do for themselves that you make no time to do the same for yourself.

These signs don’t mean you’re failing, what they mean is that you need support as well. And you’re allowed to have that, in fact you deserve to have that. So how do you start setting boundaries so you can commit to your own self care?

Boundaries can sometimes feel like a negative word—especially if you’re empathic or deeply loyal, it can feel like you’re trying to shut them out. But boundaries aren’t about pushing someone away. They’re about staying connected in a way that doesn’t destroy you.

If you think of your emotional energy like a battery…. If you’re constantly drained, eventually you shut down because there’s nothing left. Boundaries are what help you stay charged enough to not only take care of yourself but to create more space to support them as well. So how do you create boundaries without actually saying that because sometimes just stating what a boundary is can feel negative but here’s what you can offer. Saying something like...

• “I want to support you, but I can’t talk about heavy stuff every night—I need time to recharge.”
• “I care about you, but I feel like I’m in over my head and I don’t think I’m giving you the help you need. Have you thought about maybe talking to a therapist?”
• “It’s okay to feel how you feel. But it’s not okay to take it out on me.” And for this one, don’t be afraid to walk away and say that...I’m leaving for now and we can try to talk about this later when you’re ready.

One of the things that can feel particularly hard is when the person puts their own boundaries in. So for example, maybe they know they need some space to process and deal with their own emotional well being and as much as you think you are helping, maybe they need time on their own. And in that case you may be feeling like why are they not coming to me when they need support...why am I not their person for that? And of course you now have to deal with your own emotional struggle of not being around that person and wondering if they are ok and sometimes that can be the hardest...to trust that they know themselves and what they need and don’t take it as a slap in your face that you are not the be all end all savior. That’s just your ego talking in those cases.

In recovery circles there’s a phrase that applies to this and it’s “detach with love.” It means you can care deeply without taking over. You can stand with someone, without standing in for them. I know it’s hard to see someone struggle but you also have to realize their struggle and the way thru for them..for what they need to feel, for what they need to learn, is maybe what they need to grow and evolve and you need to support their growth as they live their own journey.

You’re not their therapist. Not their savior. Not their emotional regulator. You are you. And that’s enough. So what does detaching with love mean, what will that look like? It could be letting go of trying to change their mood, letting go of the guilt of not “doing enough” or wishing you could do more, it could be trusting that they have their own path like letting them take the time and space they need, and finally choosing peace over control. Remember: you can’t do their healing for them. But your presence—your calm, grounded energy—can remind them and show them that healing is possible.

But what happens when the person struggling is no longer leaning on you but instead holding onto you as the one to take things out on. Sometimes, emotional struggle shows up as manipulation, volatility, or abuse and that’s when you may have to make some immediate changes no matter how much love we feel. If they blame you for their emotional state, if they guilt trip you for setting your boundaries, if they lash out at you regularly and blame their pain, or just refuses to get help or make any changes and use you as their emotional outlet...well it might be time to step back or step away. You are allowed to protect your peace and you’re most certainly allowed and in fact must choose your own safety over obligation or whatever other reason you allow these behaviors. You do not have to destroy yourself to be a good person. Let me say that again...you never have to destroy yourself or abandon your own safety or self care just to care for someone else.

If you’re still in a place where you want to support someone, but also honor yourself, here’s a few suggestions to keep both you and them emotionally safe.

• Create a Check-In Time and set times or limits that work for both of you. Like:
   “Let’s check in every evening at 7, but I can’t respond to late-night texts right now—I need sleep.”
• Maybe Normalize Help Outside of You..Remind them:
   “It’s totally okay to talk to a counselor or therapist—that doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you’re brave.”
• Practice some Reflective Listening, Instead of problem-solving, which again, is one of my downfalls try:
   “That sounds really overwhelming. How are you feeling about it now?”Or: “I hear you. That makes total sense, I can understand and imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
• Giving from the Overflow, Not the Reserve...Make self-care non-negotiable. That might mean yoga, journaling, therapy, long walks—whatever helps you stay full. You cannot fill from an empty cup.
• And Don’t Be Afraid to Reassess...It’s okay to pause and say:“Is the way we’re doing things still healthy for both of us?”

It’s okay to evolve your support When you start setting boundaries, taking space, or pulling back from intense emotional caretaking—you might feel guilty. That’s normal. But guilt doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong Sometimes, guilt is just a sign that you’re breaking a pattern—one where you put yourself last. So lovingly reframe that guilt and instead remind yourself...You’re not abandoning them. You’re choosing to support both of you—with kindness, and care.

Thank you for showing up today and supporting yourself just by listening and I hope you share this with someone who might need it, someone who needs this reminder that there is a way to hold space for both their loved one and themselves. As we wrap up, I want to leave you with this….Supporting someone doesn’t mean you dim your own light. It means you shine brightly beside them—so they know they’re not alone in the dark. But your light matters, too. Your peace matters. Your energy flow matters. Your joy matters. You are allowed to keep living, dreaming, and growing—even when someone you love is struggling. Because guess what? Your healing helps theirs. Your calm helps theirs. Your wholeness helps everyone...little by little and peace by peace.