5 Reasons We Don’t Ask for Help, and 5 Steps to Change

So many of us carry heavy loads in silence—not because we have to, but because we’re afraid to ask for help. We fear being judged, rejected, or becoming a burden. But the truth is that asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. It’s how we build trust, deepen connection, and remind ourselves that we were never meant to do life alone. 💛

✨ This week’s episode is all about the opposite of last week’s, of learned helplessness and instead, choosing to reach out, unlearning the silence, and embracing the strength of community.

Transcript

Hey friends, welcome back. I’m so glad you pressed play today. Whether this is your first time here or you’ve been walking this journey with me for a while, thank you for giving yourself this space. I know life pulls us in a hundred different directions, and carving out even a few minutes for reflection and growth is a gift. So I want to honor you for being here and anyone who may have shared this with you as well.

Today, we’re diving into something I think touches all of us and it’s especially something that I have a hard time with and that’s asking for help—or maybe, more honestly—not asking for help. We’re going to talk about the opposite of something called “learned helplessness,” which is what we talked about on last week’s episode. We’ll talk about why so many of us resist reaching out, and what it would look like if we actually leaned into interdependence instead of pretending we can do everything alone and that’s all it is...pretending. None of us can do this lifing thing alone and we are not meant to. From the time we were cave people and had to rely on each other for food, warmth and comfort both physically and mentally, to now navigating the hard truths in our lives whether it’s in your personal life, work life or just the life of the world around us. There’s a lot going on and way too much for us to carry alone. So, let’s breathe together, settle in, and explore this.

Let’s start with a quick definition. If you listened last week, you heard me talk about “learned helplessness.” I would encourage you to go back and listen about how you can help others thru this by helping them find their own strength but for now, I’ll explain it which is it’s a psychological term that basically means when someone has experienced repeated failure or difficulty, they eventually stop trying—even when change is possible. And it’s compounded when we rescue and fix which of course comes from a place of love but it doesn’t help them grow or find their own independence and then they get conditioned to believe: “What’s the point? Nothing will change and I can’t do anything about it. Why even bother?” It’s resignation. A kind of hopelessness that keeps us stuck.

But I want to flip the script today. Because the opposite of learned helplessness isn’t just learned hopefulness. Some of us including myself feel the need to take everything on ourselves and while I’ve gotten better over the years, I still tend to keep things to myself and try to figure out myself first before I share it with others. Recently I was at a weekend away with friends who have known me for over 50 years in some cases and one of them was asking how I was doing, and of course I gave the standard, “I’m fine” and she could tell that I was holding back. It honestly had been a rough couple weeks and as she said to me, I always know when you’re dealing with something. You’re full of crap when you say things don’t bother you or that you’re fine. And she’s right and while sometimes it is because I need to get a handle on things internally before I can share them, that’s part of my control. I think, let me get solid before I share but sometimes you need to share and ask for help in order to get solid. But in the meantime over these past couple weeks, I’ve found myself not sleeping well, losing focus at even the easy tasks, really easy to lose my patience and escalate my emotions...so much for getting solid right?

There’s actually a name for this pattern of not asking for help, even when we need it. Psychologists call it Help-seeking avoidance and it’s when we hold back from reaching out, even though we’re struggling and know that support is available. Psychologists have studied this a lot in education, workplace, and mental health settings, and the reasons it happens are layered, and the reasons behind it run pretty deep. And when I think about it, I’m the first one that will say why didn’t you tell me what was going on, why didn’t you ask me for help and yet here I am not doing exactly what I’m upset at them for not doing. Hypocritical much? If help is what we need, why do we resist it so much even as we’re telling others to ask for help? Well, here are 5 themes that show up when we dig into this question:

1. Pride and the Illusion of Independence
    Many of us were raised to believe that being strong means doing everything ourselves. Maybe we heard phrases like, “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” or “Don’t burden others with your problems or air out your dirty laundry.” And so we internalize this idea that asking for help = weakness, but the truth is independence is often an illusion. Every single one of us relies on others every day—farmers who grow our food, workers who maintain our roads, our coworkers who have to do X so that we can do Y. Many cultures, especially Western ones, place high value on independence and self-reliance. We get subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) messages that “strong people don’t need help.” This “norm of self-sufficiency” as it’s called, makes asking for help feel like a violation of cultural rules. 
2. Fear of Judgment
    This is a big one. What if people think less of me? What if they see me as incapable, incompetent, needy? What if I’m too much? We worry people will see us as weak or incapable. Sometimes it’s the norm of self-sufficiency we grew up with, those messages that said: “Strong people don’t need help. Handle it yourself.” That fear of being judged—or worse, rejected—can keep us quiet. So instead of speaking up, we silently struggle. This fear is tied to what psychologists call “impression management” or the protection of the way others see us. This is such a common theme in every aspect of our lives of worrying about what others think of us...the question is what do you think of yourself?
3. Perfectionism and Control
    Some of us avoid asking for help because deep down, we don’t trust others to do it “right.” Sometimes we link our identity to being “the helper,” the one others rely on. Asking for help threatens that self-image. It’s easier to exhaust ourselves than admit we can’t do it all. We like being the helper, not the one who needs help. We’d rather burn ourselves out doing everything than risk letting go of control. But this perfectionism robs us of rest, collaboration, and often, better results. 
4. Shame and Vulnerability
    Sometimes the reason is more vulnerable. Asking for help requires admitting we don’t have it all together. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s courage. But instead, asking for help can sometimes stir up shame—this belief that “I should be able to handle this. What’s wrong with me that I can’t?” But shame loses all its power when we bring it into the light. And then there’s that one that most of us tell ourselves—the fear of burdening others. How many of us keep quiet because we don’t want to add to someone else’s load? We think “oh, they’re already so busy, or they have their own troubles.” The irony is, most people feel honored when we ask. It’s a way of saying: “I trust you. I value you.” I mean think about how upset you would be if you have a friend that thought you were too busy to offer help so they never asked...you might respond that you’re never to busy to help when it’s really needed. 
5. Past Experiences
    Maybe you asked for help once and were let down. Maybe you reached out and someone used your need against you. Those moments when we did ask, and someone let us down or made us feel small. Our brains remember that pain and decide we had better not to risk it again. Those wounds run deep and sometimes come from childhood trauma so they run many decades long. And they teach us: “Better to rely only on myself.” But if we let those old experiences define us forever, we never get to see that support is still possible.

And the truth is that this help avoidance helps to create a vicious cycle. So what happens when we keep choosing silence? We end up exhausted. Overwhelmed. Burned out. We struggle silently like I was doing the last few weeks, I mean I was talking to others but not really unloading. The load gets heavier. We fall further behind. And then, instead of asking, we double down on silence because we don’t want anyone to see just how much we’re drowning. But the good news is that this is a learned pattern, which means we can unlearn it. As we always do here, we can start small. Ask for help in low-stakes situations—directions, a quick favor, a little support. Reframe what it means: instead of “I’m burdening them,” try: “I’m giving them a chance to show up, just like I would for them.” And maybe most importantly, asking for help strengthens connection. If we don’t, we miss opportunities to deepen relationships. Think about it—how many times have you felt honored when someone trusted you enough to ask for help? Helping builds connection. It says: “I value you enough to let you in.” When we don’t ask, we rob others of the chance to give. And we rob ourselves of the relief and growth that comes when we let people show up for us. In other words, refusing to ask for help isn’t strength—it’s self-sabotage disguised as strength. And asking for help builds trust, your friends trust that when you say you’re fine, you mean it, and they trust that when you need help, you will ask and that you trust them to be there.

So when we talk about the opposite of learned helplessness, it’s not just about resilience or grit. It’s also about unlearning this avoidance. It’s about choosing to reach out—even when it feels uncomfortable—and trusting that connection is part of what helps us heal and grow. 

So how do we begin shifting this mindset? I want to suggest a few reframes of what asking for help may mean:

• Asking for help is an act of wisdom, not weakness. It takes strength to say, “I can’t do this alone.” Weakness is pretending until you break.
• Asking for help is a gift to others. When we let someone help us, we give them the opportunity to live out kindness, to feel useful, to connect. Purpose and service can feed their soul.
• Asking for help builds resilience. It doesn’t make us dependent—it makes us interdependent. And interdependence is how humans thrive.

Think of it this way: even the strongest trees in a forest don’t stand alone. Their roots intertwine beneath the soil, sharing nutrients, supporting each other in storms. We are no different.

Of course, knowing this is one thing. Practicing it is another. So let’s talk about small steps. And by the way, you don’t necessarily have to share all the gory details of what you’re dealing with or going thru, if you want to be a bit private or you have to maintain privacy for other reasons, that’s ok You can still put these few suggestions into practice. 

1. Start with Low-Stakes Help
    Practice asking for small, everyday help. Ask a coworker to share notes from a meeting. Ask a friend to pick something up for you at the store. These small acts build the muscle of receiving, of allowing others in.
2. Notice Your Inner Dialogue
    When you catch yourself thinking, “I should be able to do this alone,” pause. Ask: Says who? Who decided that? Challenge those old narratives. Reframe the thought of “I’m burdening them,” to “I’m giving them a chance to care for me, just like I would for them.”
3. Use Clear, Simple Requests
    Sometimes we make asking for help harder than it needs to be. Keep it simple: “Could you help me with this?” or “I’d appreciate your support by doing x” Most people will say yes—and if they can’t or say no, that’s about their capacity, not your worth so don’t take it personally.
4. Reflect on the Cost of Silence
    Think about the energy you’re burning by not asking. Think about what you’re sacrificing—your peace, your health, your relationships. Let that motivate you to open up. Remind yourself that doing it all alone is not a badge of honor—it’s a fast track to burnout.
5. Build Safe Circles
    Surround yourself with people you trust—friends, mentors, communities. Safe people make asking for help less scary. Asking for help is a relationship-strengthener and helps to build that trust on both side.

Normalize the fact, not the thought, but the fact that each and every one of us needs help and we are not alone. And on that thought that we are not alone, I want to touch on the spiritual side of this, because for many of us, not asking for help isn’t just about people—it’s about God, or the universe, or whatever bigger presence we connect with. How often do we try to muscle through life on our own strength, forgetting that we can surrender, pray, meditate, breathe, and ask the universe for guidance? There’s humility in asking. There’s surrender in acknowledging we’re not designed to carry everything alone and that’s the heart of it: we were never meant to.

So here’s my challenge for you this week and it will be the same for myself:
 Identify one area where you’ve been struggling quietly. Then, choose one person you trust and ask for help—big or small. It could be practical, asking them to help you figure something out, help you do something...it could be emotional asking someone to help support you as you do something hard or something you are afraid of, or it could even simply be just asking someone to listen. Not fix, not offer solutions, but just to listen and maybe let you have a good cry. There’s nothing better than a good cry to clear your heart and head...I have a whole podcast just on that if you want to listen...and maybe then your good cry will turn it into a good hug or a good laugh as you unload what you’ve been carrying.

Remember that the opposite of learned helplessness is not doing everything by yourself. It’s remembering that you do have power—and one of the greatest powers you have is the ability to reach out, to connect, to ask. And when you let others show up for you, you’re not only helping yourself—you’re weaving stronger bonds, creating deeper trust, and reminding others that they’re not alone either. And I know my friends will hold me accountable to this podcast more than any others...I can already hear them in my head “remember what you said about help-seeking avoidance Shirley!” “You’re doing it again”...and I promise I will try harder and work on it just like you are trying to do. I’m on this journey with you, we really are not alone.

Thanks for being here today. I hope this conversation encourages you to take one small step toward asking, toward trusting, toward receiving, and please share it with someone who might need to hear this as well. And as always, remember—you are never alone in this journey and at the very least I’m growing as much as you are. Until next time, be gentle with yourself, and keep walking forward, let’s unlearn the silence and relearn connection. Let’s help each other, and let’s help ourselves to get thru this life with more peace and support, little by little and peace by peace.