Self-Care by Self-Compassion — How Being Kind to Yourself Changes Your Life

Are you treating yourself as kindly as you treat others? Self-compassion isn’t a luxury and this week we’ll explore the science of self-compassion, practical exercises for daily life, and small ways to respond to yourself with understanding instead of criticism. Whether you’re a caregiver, parent, professional, or just someone ready to be gentler with yourself, this episode offers tools to help you pause, reflect, and act with care.

So take a moment today to practice one small act of kindness toward yourself by having a listen.

Transcript

Hello friends, and welcome back or welcome for the first time. However you got here, I am so glad you’re here today. Whether this is your first time listening or you’ve joined me many times before, thank you for giving yourself this gift of time. Just a few minutes of presence, a few minutes of focus on your own inner life, is a profound act of self-care. And if someone sent this to you, it might mean that someone cares more about you than you even know and maybe they knew you needed this nudge to give yourself some grace and kindness today.

Because today, we are going to explore self-compassion. This practice is gentle, transformative, and often misunderstood because we often think we are supposed to be so focused on caring for others which of course is beautiful and important. And we tend to believe compassion is something we extend to others, and kindness to ourselves can feel selfish or indulgent. But self-compassion is not about pampering; it’s about meeting yourself in your struggles with understanding, warmth, and patience. It’s about creating a space in which your mind and body can relax, recharge, and respond with resilience.

Many of us struggle with self-compassion because we are conditioned to push ourselves relentlessly, criticize ourselves for perceived shortcomings, or believe that being kind to ourselves is a form of weakness, ego or flattery. But true self compassion is none of those things and today, we’re going to unpack what self-compassion really is, how it affects your body and brain, how it can help you move forward in building the life you want and deserve, and how you can put this into place in practical, real-world ways.

So let’s first understand what self compassion is. It has three core components so let’s get into them. The first is mindfulness, noticing your own suffering without being consumed by it. Mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings objectively, recognizing, “I am having a hard moment” rather than “I am failing” or “I am broken.” And when I talk about suffering, I’m not just talking about huge illnesses, losing a loved one, or heartbreak, although obviously that can be part of suffering. But suffering can also include the small daily impacts to our lives that throw us off balance, it could just be repeating the argument you had with your child or spouse, it could be the negative body image you have of yourself. Suffering is not a competition and your suffering is yours and mine is mine and it’s personal to each one of us.

The second part of self compassion is self-kindness—treating yourself with care and understanding instead of judgment. Think about how you comfort a close friend during a difficult time. Self-kindness is extending that same care inward. You know the golden rule of treat others as you would like to be treated? Well let’s extend that to ourselves. 

And the third is common humanity or recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience. Everyone experiences setbacks, doubts, and challenges and I mean everyone no matter how their lives look on Instagram. Understanding that your struggles are not unique, they may feel unique to you and of course there is a level of uniqueness in that we all come to struggles from a different place and experience but understanding that we all struggle reduces the isolation and shame of “why do I let myself feel this way?”

Let’s talk a little about the science of self-compassion because it’s not only a warm notion; it has profound effects on the brain, nervous system, and overall health. Studies have shown that people who practice self-compassion experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress, while also showing higher resilience and better emotional regulation.

Research in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that self-compassion helps individuals cope with setbacks more effectively because it reduces self-criticism and supports realistic self-appraisal, so not focusing on the story we tell ourselves but the actual facts. Another study found that self-compassion practices are linked with increased vagal tone (that’s your vagus nerve that is the longest nerve in your body from your brain down to your internal organs), this vagal tone is a marker of parasympathetic nervous system activity that promotes calm, regulation, and social engagement. This shows a direct connection between gentle self-care and the body’s physiological state. By being kind to yourself, you can literally reduce stress hormones, regulate heart rate, and improve immune function. You can actually become healthier not just mentally but also physically with a stronger immune system just by being more kind to yourself. Free and easy, with no side effects!

So why does self compassion feel so hard? Despite its benefits, many people resist it. There are a few common reasons: One is the belief that self-compassion is indulgent. You might think, “If I’m kind to myself, I won’t try hard enough” or “I’ll become lazy.” In reality, self-compassion encourages you to keep going. By responding to yourself with care instead of criticism, you create a safe internal environment to take risks, learn, and grow. You don’t allow a setback to keep you sidelined, you give yourself grace and kindness to get back up and try again.

Another reason is conditioning. Many of us grew up in families, schools, or workplaces that valued perfectionism, criticism, and achievement over emotional well-being. Kindness to yourself can feel foreign or uncomfortable because it contradicts what we learned. That’s one thing I love about today’s generation is that they have more of a focus on mental health, on well-being and my hope is that this continues and creates a more loving and kind world in the future. But you can begin creating that type of world yourself, not just being kind to others but showing others how you can be kind to yourself.

And finally, there is guilt. Caregivers, parents, and professionals often feel that self-compassion is selfish. You may be responsible for children, elderly parents, or other loved ones. It can feel impossible to pause for yourself and we talked about that last week on episode 42, about how hard work and being there for others can turn into burnout. But the truth is that taking care of yourself strengthens your ability to care for others. Think of self-compassion as filling your cup so you have something to pour into others.

Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, says, “Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” It’s such a simple and easy statement but not so easy to put in place sometimes. So let’s think about that for a bit.

Let’s take a moment to recall a situation where you felt frustration, stress, or disappointment. Now, imagine speaking to a close friend about that moment. How would you comfort them? What words of understanding or encouragement would you offer? Now, try offering yourself those same words, silently or aloud. It might feel awkward at first and you might have a hard time feeling it but take a minute to reflect how you feel after. And try to apply that each time you find yourself needing comfort yet not giving it to yourself. Purposely picture speaking to a friend and then put yourself in their place.

Now let’s explore some more concrete ways to practice self-compassion. Here are 5 simple exercises you can integrate into your day, even if you are busy, they don’t take time.

1. The comforting hand
    Place one or both hands over your heart, close your eyes, and silently say: “I see you. I hear you. It is okay to feel this way.” Take several slow breaths. Feel the warmth of your hands and imagine it spreading throughout your body. This simple gesture signals to your nervous system that you are safe and worthy of care.
2. Self-compassion break
    When you notice self-criticism, pause and name it, speak to yourself and say “This is a moment of suffering. It is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.” Even just a few seconds of mindful acknowledgment can interrupt negative thought loops.
3. Rewording your inner dialogue
    Identify a recurring self-critical thought. For example, “I always mess up.” Rewrite it as a compassionate statement: “I make mistakes but it’s ok because I learn from them.” Repeat it aloud or write it down. Over time, this rewires the brain to anticipate kindness instead of criticism.
4. Journaling your thoughts
    At the end of each day, write down three instances where you practiced self-compassion, even in small ways…it could be I took a deep breath after that difficult call today. I didn’t berate myself when I forgot to do X. I told myself it was ok when I felt flustered. Reflect on how it felt, how your body responded, and any impact on your behavior or interactions. This reinforces positive neural pathways and strengthens the habit.
5. Affectionate breathing
    Place your hands on your chest. Inhale slowly and silently say: “May I care for myself.” Exhale slowly and silently say: “May I be gentle with myself.” Repeat for several minutes or just repeat a couple of time. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system and signals safety and care to your body. I know this may sound woowoo but I promise it works in both your brain and your body!

Let’s make this real. Imagine a parent managing young children and supporting an elderly parent, they feel stuck in the middle. They feel constantly pulled in every direction and often think, “I am failing everyone.” A self-compassion break such as pausing for a few breaths and silently saying, “I am doing the best I can right now and that is enough” helps to provide physiological and emotional relief, allowing clearer decision-making and more presence with both children and parents.

Consider a professional facing burnout. Constantly criticizing themselves for not doing enough leads to stress, insomnia, and decreased performance. Introducing self-compassion like acknowledging effort, taking micro-breaks, and recognizing their limits, reduces stress, increases focus, and restores their ability to perform more effectively. And maybe they then take another step in realizing that they need to give themselves some time and take a day or even a few hours away from work, maybe in nature or doing things they love.

Even social interactions benefit. If you feel awkward in conversation or concerned how others will treat you, instead of harsh self-judgment for your anxiety or shyness, say: “It’s okay to feel nervous. Everyone stumbles sometimes. I am learning and growing just like everyone else.” This subtle shift changes your body language, tone, and experience, which others pick up on, often improving interactions. And even sharing with someone “I don’t really know anyone here, how about you?” might help someone else share they are feeling the same way.

So let’s incorporate this throughout our day because self-compassion is most powerful when it’s woven into ordinary routines. So for example:

• Begin the day by silently stating: “I will be kind to myself today.”
• Take brief moments throughout the day to notice tension or self-critical thoughts and offer yourself some reassurance, the hand to heart or some kind words you would say to a friend.
• And at the end of the day reflect on those instances of self-compassion, observing how it shaped your actions or mindset. Observe where didn’t offer self-compassion, not in a critical way but in a loving way to learn.

Over time, these small actions compound, rewiring the brain and creating a lasting capacity for resilience and calm. Now if you want to take this one step further, here’s some options that take a little bit more time but really could just be no more than 15-30 minutes:

• Use visualization. Close your eyes and picture a recent moment of struggle. Imagine approaching it with kindness and understanding. See your body relax, notice your thoughts soften, and envision yourself responding with patience and care. Hold this visualization for a bit.
• Write a letter to yourself as if you were a close friend offering care. Include understanding, encouragement, and reassurance. Read it aloud and feel the impact of the words. And whenever you feel deep in the struggle, take out the letter and read it again. Or maybe consider taking some lines from it and putting them on sticky notes on your bathroom mirror so you remember to start your day with self compassion.
• And maybe while walking or stretching, silently repeat affirmations such as: “I am worthy of care. I deserve kindness.” Pairing movement with compassionate thought deepens the effect on mind and body. Moving meditation and moving affirmations are especially helpful because once paired, they are easily brought forth. So the next time you are walking or stretching, you being to remember those words and they come to you more quickly and naturally.

So let’s put this into practice. Think of a self-critical thought from today or some other way you were not compassionate with yourself. How might responding to it with kindness change your day, your mood, or your interactions? What could you have done or said differently in that moment and how might that have felt? Take a moment to visualize responding with understanding, patience, and care. Notice what shifts in your body or mind, maybe your shoulders relax, maybe your breathing slows down, maybe you just feel greater sense of love for yourself.

Practicing self-compassion consistently can change your whole life both mentally and physically. You can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, improve emotional regulation and problem-solving, you can enhance your resilience to setbacks and think of them differently, more as setups vs setbacks. You can help to strengthen relationships by reducing your own projection of self-criticism, you will improve your physical health through the reduced cortisol, or stress hormone and improved vagal tone, that nerve that affects your brain down to your gut. And you can become more productive in ways that are important to you by increasing motivation and creativity. 

Through neuroplasticity (or the brain’s ability to reorganize and recover itself thru new neural connections), this repeated practice strengthens pathways in the brain that anticipate care, calm, and resilience, literally making self-compassion your default mode over time. I know that may feel far away right now, but as we’re all about here, it’s little by little.

Take one small step toward self-compassion today. You’ve already done it by listening, but please pause, breathe, and offer yourself kindness. Thank you for being here today, thank yourself for this act of self care just by listening, this can be your self kindness today, and please share this episode with someone who could benefit from gentle encouragement, send this to them to remind them that they too are worthy of kindness, from you as well as from themselves. Make sure to hit that follow button so we can continue exploring self-care, mindfulness, and practical ways to live a more peaceful life. Notice your thoughts today, speak kindly to yourself, and act in ways that honor your worth and humanity. Remember, self-compassion is a skill. You can learn it, practice it, and let it transform your life, one small, kind action at a time to bring you to more self compassion, more self care, more self love, little by little and peace by peace.