Finding Peace and Self-Care in Detachment

Sometimes what looks like peace is actually resistance in disguise. Detachment and aversion can both look like letting go, but only one frees you. This week we’re exploring how to tell the difference, how to shift from avoiding to allowing, and how that shift creates space for real calm to take root.

Listen in and create more peace by not avoiding, but finding power in detaching and allowing.

Transcript

Hey friends, welcome back, or welcome for the first time. I’m so glad you pressed play today. However you got here, whether you’ve been here before or not, I’m grateful we get to spend this time together. Maybe you’re out walking, doing the dishes, driving, or just sitting somewhere quiet. However you’re listening, I hope this space gives you a little room to breathe, reflect, and reconnect with yourself. And if someone sent this to you, thank them for caring and realizing that maybe you need to find your power again and start allowing life instead of avoiding it.

And that’s what we’re talking about today, it’s something that can sound a little abstract at first, but it’s one of those small shifts, just like we’re all about, that can deeply change the way you experience peace: detachment versus aversion, allowing vs avoiding. These two can look really similar on the surface, but their roots are completely different. And the difference between them can be the difference between living with calm acceptance and living with quiet resistance and they are both totally different.

Let’s start by breaking them down in a simple way.

Detachment is a kind of spaciousness. It’s the ability to stay present without clinging. It’s not about not caring, it’s about caring with openness. You still feel things, love people, pursue goals, and experience joy, but you’re not crushed when things don’t go your way. Detachment says, “I can hold this lightly. I can love it without losing myself in it.” So think of a loved one who’s dealing with their own issues and takes it out on you, or maybe they have an addiction they’re dealing with. Detachment allows you to love them but not get lost in what they are going thru or why they are responding as they do.

Aversion, on the other hand, is the opposite of attachment, but not in a freeing way. Aversion is a form of resistance. It’s the urge to push away, to avoid, to not feel. It’s that subtle “I don’t want to deal with this” kind of energy that sneaks into our days. We feel it when we distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions, when we avoid difficult conversations, or when we pretend we don’t care about something that actually hurt us. So think of that same situation with a loved one who maybe has an addiction...aversion means when we don’t enforce healthy boundaries or don’t limit our energy with them because you think it’s easier to just take it all in and not respond, don’t rock the boat. But then you feel like the boat is pulling you under. 

Both detachment and aversion can look similar, like we’re letting go, but only one brings peace. The other creates more internal tension, even if we don’t realize it at first. Think of those 2 situations...detaching and loving someone and limiting your time and energy for your own bring well-being brings peace. But averting and letting them spew their anger or other negative emotions thinking you’re keeping the peace...well you have to ask who’s peace is it really for? Most times it’s not yours is it? 

Let’s talk further about how this all works. When we practice detachment, our nervous system can relax. We’re not fighting reality. We’re not gripping what we can’t control. Detachment creates space for our body and mind to settle. But aversion? It does the opposite. Aversion keeps our nervous system activated, even in subtle ways, because pushing things away takes energy. Avoidance might feel like relief at first, but underneath, our body stays alert. It’s always scanning for what might trigger that uncomfortable feeling again.

There’s actually some science that backs this up. In 2012, researchers at Harvard University studied emotional avoidance and found that people who tried to suppress or avoid difficult emotions ended up experiencing them even more intensely later on. The study showed that avoidance doesn’t make pain disappear, it just delays it, and often amplifies it. That’s aversion in action: when we push something away, it tends to circle back and come back with even more force.

Detachment, on the other hand, helps us experience emotions without being consumed by them. It’s the art of allowing without consuming. It says, “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.” And that simple acceptance helps regulate our nervous system and keeps us grounded. From a mindfulness and self-care perspective, this is powerful. Because the more we can recognize when we’re slipping into aversion, the more we can choose to soften into detachment instead. That’s where peace begins to grow, not from controlling, but from allowing.

Let’s slow this down with an example. Imagine you’ve been hurt by a friend. Aversion might look like cutting them off, pretending it doesn’t matter, or convincing yourself you never really cared in the first place. It’s the emotional version of slamming a door. But detachment? Detachment would allow you to say, “That really hurt. I need space to heal. But I can still wish them well.” You’re not pretending the hurt doesn’t exist. You’re just choosing not to let it take over your peace.

Or let’s say something doesn’t go as planned, you didn’t get the job, the project failed, or the opportunity fell through. Aversion might sound like, “Whatever, I didn’t want it anyway.” But that’s just a disguise for disappointment we’re not ready to feel. Detachment, on the other hand, says, “I really wanted that. I’m disappointed. But I trust there’s another path unfolding for me.” That’s not avoidance, that’s grace, hope and trust.

When you live from detachment instead of aversion, your energy changes. You stop spending so much time fighting reality. You stop spinning in “what ifs” and “should haves.” You begin to flow more easily with simply what is. That doesn’t mean detachment is easy. It’s actually something we practice, not something we just decide once. It’s a daily thing. It’s choosing again and again to stay open instead of shutting down. And that practice starts with awareness.

The next time something stirs discomfort in you, maybe a conversation, a disappointment, or even a thought try to pause and ask yourself: Am I avoiding this, or am I allowing it? Am I pushing this away, or am I letting it move through me? That little check-in is everything. It’s what helps you shift from aversion into detachment.

There’s a Buddhist quote, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” And that’s really what this conversation is about. We all suffer in different ways but no matter how our lives look, we all suffer at times. We can’t stop things from happening, but we can choose how we meet them. Detachment helps us meet life with curiosity instead of fear, compassion instead of control.

Let’s bring in a bit more of the science behind why this works.Ou r brains are wired for survival. The amygdala, the part of the brain that detects threat, doesn’t always know the difference between physical danger and emotional discomfort. So when something feels hard, like when we’re rejected, criticized, or disappointed, the brain reads it as a kind of threat. Aversion is our instinctive reaction to that threat. It’s the mind saying, “This hurts. Get it away.”

But what’s interesting is that when we face those emotions with mindful awareness, when we name what we feel instead of avoiding it, the prefrontal cortex, the reasoning part of the brain, becomes more active. That prefrontal cortex helps regulate emotional responses and allows us to process feelings more calmly. Over time, mindfulness practice actually strengthens this connection.

A 2014 study published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that people who practiced mindfulness meditation showed increased activity in the prefrontal cortex and reduced reactivity in the amygdala when exposed to emotional stimuli. In simple terms, they were better able to stay steady when things got hard. That’s detachment at the neurological level: your brain learns to respond instead of react. So when we say “detachment brings peace,” it’s not just a nice idea, it’s literally changing how your brain processes life. And mindfulness meditation doesn’t have to be hours of sitting in a position not talking...it could be just moments of reflecting on our thoughts, our feelings, it could be moving meditation like a walk outside clearing our minds.

Let’s talk about how to bring this into real life, in small, doable ways. First, practice noticing without judging. When a strong emotion comes up, name it. “I’m feeling anxious.” “I’m feeling left out.” “I’m feeling angry.” Remember to not say I am anxious, I am angry, as that is not you, it’s just the feeling so make sure you are naming just that. Naming helps the brain create distance without avoidance. It’s acknowledgment, not denial.

Second, allow space for what you feel. Detachment isn’t about stopping emotion, it’s about giving it room to exist. Sit with it for a moment. Breathe. You don’t need to fix it or figure it out right away and I know for us Type A personalities, that’s hard, but just hold it for a bit. Just feel it move through your body. Most emotions only last about 90 seconds if we let them process and not attach a repetitive story to it.

Third, create rituals that help you release gently. Maybe that’s journaling before bed, a short walk, a deep breathing exercise, or even a mantra to say like, “I release what’s not mine to hold.” Remember, not everyone’s baggage is yours to pick up and carry. The goal isn’t to push things away, it’s to let them pass through and only own what you need to own.

Fourth, check your motivation when letting go. Ask yourself, “Am I releasing this from peace or from fear?” Detachment comes from peace. Aversion comes from fear. That one question can shift everything.

And finally, bring compassion to yourself in the process. This is a practice. You’ll have days when you’re fully detached and calm, and days when you’re clinging or avoiding again. That’s okay. The point is awareness, not perfection. 

Let’s pause here for a moment and breathe that in and let that settle. Because this work, learning to let go without pushing away, is really the work of peace. It’s learning how to stay steady in a world that’s always moving. Sometimes people worry that detachment means you’ll stop caring or stop feeling joy. But it’s actually the opposite. When you practice healthy detachment, you feel everything more purely because it’s not filtered through fear or control. You can love fully without being terrified of loss. You can hope without clinging to outcomes. You can show up for life with an open heart, knowing you can handle what comes. There’s a deep freedom in that.

Let’s imagine a few everyday moments where detachment can change how you move through your day.

You’re running late, traffic is backed up, and you feel the tension rising. Aversion says, “This shouldn’t be happening!” Detachment says, “This is happening. I can take a breath and still be okay.” You can’t change the traffic, but you can change the way your body meets it, maybe you allow yourself time for something positive like to listen to more of these podcasts (hint hint).

Or maybe someone’s words hurt you. Aversion says, “I’ll never speak to them again.” Detachment says, “That hurt, but I can address it when I’m ready, and I can choose to respond from calm instead of anger.” That gives you your power back to address them when it’s right for you.

Or maybe you’re working toward a goal that feels far away. Aversion says, “I give up, I can’t do this.” Detachment says, “I’ll keep showing up and learning without tying my worth to the result. I’ll just do my best” Now that’s powerful, and that’s peaceful.

Detachment is the quiet strength that sits behind resilience. It’s the difference between giving up and letting go. One comes from fear, the other from trust. And trust is really at the heart of this. Trust that you can handle whatever comes. Trust that peace doesn’t mean nothing will ever hurt again, it means you’ll have the tools to navigate it when it does. From a self-care perspective, this is the essence of emotional maturity. It’s knowing that your inner peace matters enough to protect it, even from your own impulses to react or avoid. It’s giving yourself permission to pause before responding, to step back before spiraling, to breathe before believing every thought that passes through your mind.

So let’s create a simple detachment practice for your week ahead:

Each morning, before your day begins, take a moment and set an intention. Say to yourself, “Today, I choose to meet life with openness.” Then notice, as the day unfolds, where you feel yourself tensing, clinging, or pushing away. Don’t judge it. Just notice. When you catch yourself, take a breath and remind yourself, “I can hold this lightly, I don’t need to absorb it.”

If you journal, try this reflection at the end of the day: “What did I resist today, and what did I allow?”
 Sometimes that one question reveals more than we realize and can help us become even more self aware and ready the next time something similar happens.

So as you go into the rest of your week, notice where you can practice this. Maybe it’s in a small frustration, maybe it’s in a relationship that’s been tugging at your peace. Ask yourself, “Can I loosen my grip just a little here? Can I let this just be what it is?” And then breathe into that space. That’s detachment in action.

You’re not escaping life, you’re entering it more fully, without the constant pull of resistance. You’re letting life unfold, trusting that you can meet whatever comes to you with grace. Over time, these little practices build emotional flexibility. You start to feel less pulled by every high and low. You start to trust your inner calm more than your outer circumstances. That’s when peace becomes your default, not your goal. And that’s the heart of what we talk about here, right? Making these small changes that can fully transform our lives and give us more peace at the ready, by default.

Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with something to think about. Detachment isn’t cold, it’s kind. It’s the kind of love that gives space, to yourself and to others. Aversion closes the heart, but detachment opens it. It allows you to see things clearly, to love without losing yourself, and to keep your energy aligned with what truly matters. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the softest kind of strength there is.

And if this episode moved you in any way, created an aha moment for you, or just reinforced what you already knew or suspected, it would mean so much if you could share it with a friend who might need a little peace today. Maybe someone who’s been holding on too tightly or avoiding something that’s quietly weighing them down. Send it their way as a little act of care. I want to invite you to stay connected with this community of calm we’re building so share it however you can so others can join in too because sometimes seeing how someone else is navigating this can be the reminder another person needs to soften and you can help shine the way. And if you haven’t yet, be sure to take a moment to follow or subscribe so you don’t miss any episodes. 

Until next time, take a deep breath, loosen your grip, and remember, you have the power to create peace from within, not by avoiding life, but by meeting it fully, softly, and with an open but protected heart, little by little, peace by peace.