Stop People-Pleasing, Start Choosing Yourself This Holiday Season (And Everyday!)

On this week’s episode we’re diving into people-pleasing, how it drains your peace, how we’re emotionally and physically exhausting ourselves twisting ourselves into knots trying to keep everyone happy and how to gently shift back into authenticity (especially during the holidays).

If you’ve been carrying the emotional weight of trying to be everything to everyone, this episode will help you set yourself free, with compassion, clarity, and small changes that actually stick. If you’re ready for more calm, more honest self care, and less holiday burnout, listen in, breathe deep, and come home to yourself.

Transcript

Hey friends, welcome back, or welcome for the first time. However you found your way here today, I’m grateful that you did. This is your little pocket of calm, your soft place to land, your reminder that you don’t have to do everything perfectly to be worthy of rest, love, and belonging. If you found your way here on your own, that’s awesome that you were looking for a little peace and if someone sent this to you, even better that you are thought of. And today I’m thinking of you as we’re exploring something that almost every one of us has struggled with at some point and that is people-pleasing. And this time of year with the holidays, we can fall into people pleasing so easily so let’s get right into it.

Let’s start with an idea that a friend of mine shared with me of the 333 rule of people-pleasing. It’s not officially attributed to a specific expert or author, but the wisdom behind it coincides with what psychology and relational science have been saying for years. The idea is simple: one third of the people in your life aren’t meant for you; one third of the people are neutral and aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think; and one third of the people like you, love you, support you, and want you to be exactly who you are without sacrificing yourself.

Today, we’ll unpack what it really means, why people-pleasing is so exhausting, what the research says about its impact on your mind, your relationships, and even your children, and how you can start making gentle, sustainable shifts away from people-pleasing and toward authenticity. Not because authenticity is easy, but because it’s peaceful, and because peace is the point of this podcast and the point of your life.

Let’s start with the question why do we please people in the first place, or why do we try, let’s say it that way?

People don’t become people-pleasers because they’re weak or because they lack self-worth. People become people-pleasers because at some point in their lives, pleasing others kept them safe. Maybe you grew up in a home where your emotional survival depended on keeping the peace, not causing trouble, or smoothing the rough edges of someone else’s mood. Maybe you learned early on that blending in was safer than standing out. Maybe conflict felt dangerous. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe belonging felt like something you had to buy with your own self-abandonment.

People-pleasing is a protective strategy. It’s a way of avoiding rejection, disappointment, conflict, or the feeling of being misunderstood. And the thing about protective strategies is that they work, that is, until they don’t. In adulthood, that same strategy starts to cost us our inner ease, our time, our boundaries, and even our mental health. Research consistently shows that chronic people-pleasing, the pattern of constantly putting others first, suppressing your own needs, seeking approval, and avoiding conflict at all costs, is linked to higher stress, anxiety, burnout, and depression. It overloads the nervous system. It keeps the body in an anticipatory state of stress, always scanning for whether someone else is happy, comfortable, or approving of you. And think about it, if people pleasing involved yourself, you would ask why does trying to make people happy seem to make me feel so unhappy? Because you’re trading authenticity for approval, and your body knows when it’s not living in alignment with itself. 

Now let’s talk about the 333 rule, because it beautifully illustrates why people-pleasing doesn’t actually work, even when you’re trying your very best.

The first third: the people who are not meant for you. These are the people who, no matter how kind, giving, or flexible you are, simply don’t align with your personality, your energy, your values, or your lived experience. There’s no real connection, no real compatibility, and no amount of self-sacrificing will change that. Maybe they misunderstand you, judge you too quickly, or simply don’t resonate with who you are. When you people-please this first third, you’re basically trying to earn something that was never available in the first place. That’s why the harder you try with these people, the more drained and invisible you feel. You’re pouring emotional energy into a cup with a hole in the bottom. These relationships aren’t bad or wrong, they simply aren’t meant to be emotionally significant. And that is not a failure on your part. That’s just humanity. I mean as much as I think I’m amazing to be around, I know not everyone gets my sarcasm, my offhand comments, my “nothing is off limits” conversations. And that’s ok...I mean think about it. Do you actually like every single person you meet? Of course not and that’s ok.

The second third: these people who are neutral. This is where most of your social world actually falls. These are acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives, people you interact with occasionally. They are not your enemies, but they also are not your people. They don’t dislike you, but they aren’t thinking about you that much. And that’s the part we often forget: most people are not thinking about us nearly as much as we think they are. Our minds tend to magnify how much other people notice our behavior, our choices, or our perceived mistakes. But in reality, people are thinking about themselves, their own day, their own worries, their own lives. When you people-please this second third, you’re trying to manage impressions that no one is really paying attention to. You’re bending and shaping yourself for an audience that isn’t even watching. And that is emotional exhaustion at its finest.

Then there’s the final third: the people who like you, love you, appreciate you, and want what’s best for you. This is the group that actually matters. These are the people who see you, who value your presence, who want to support you, and who don’t want you to sacrifice your well-being just for their comfort. These are the relationships worth nourishing. These are the people where vulnerability feels safe and boundaries feel respected. These are the people who want you to be human, not perfect. They don’t want the watered-down version of you. They don’t want the shape-shifted, overextended, people-pleasing version of you. They want the real you. And they are the ones who benefit the most when you stop people-pleasing.

So when you look at the 333 rule through this lens, here is the truth: two-thirds of the people in your life do not require your self-abandonment, do not require to be pleased in any way, and the one-third who love you would never ask you to lose yourself to keep them comfortable

I want to bring in some research here because people-pleasing doesn’t just impact your inner world, it affects your relationships too. Studies show that when you consistently ignore your own needs, suppress your preferences, and accommodate others to avoid conflict or disapproval, resentment starts to build. And resentment is like rust in a relationship. It grows slowly at first, but over time, it wears down trust, intimacy, and affection. People think they’re preserving peace by avoiding conflict, but what they’re actually doing is creating a silent, accumulating emotional debt that eventually comes due. You might find yourself snapping over small things, feeling unappreciated, or withdrawing emotionally, and you may not even realize it’s because you’ve spent years prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own truth.

And then there’s the generational ripple. If you’re a parent, caregiver, or even just someone a younger person looks up to, this part is especially important. Children learn how to navigate the world by watching the adults around them. If you consistently model self-sacrifice, if you show them that your needs always come last, or if you teach them, of course without meaning to, that love requires shrinking yourself, they internalize that pattern. Research also shows that constantly smoothing a child’s path or putting your own needs aside for theirs can inadvertently increase anxiety and decrease resilience. Why? Because kids learn that other people’s emotions are their responsibility, or that their own needs are too heavy for others to carry. If we want our children to grow into confident, emotionally healthy adults who can communicate clearly, ask for what they need, respect their own boundaries, and tolerate disappointment and conflict, we have to model those behaviors ourselves. Not perfectly. Just honestly. Your self-respect becomes their blueprint.

Now let’s shift into the most important part of today’s episode: what to do with all of this. If people-pleasing is something you’ve leaned on for years or decades, shifting away from it can feel uncomfortable, even impossible. But small changes make big shifts, and the goal is not to wake up tomorrow as a brand-new person. The goal is to become a little more yourself and here are some ways to gently begin.

First, start noticing your people-pleasing triggers. The moments when you automatically say yes, when you feel that familiar tightening in your chest, when you jump into fixing, saving, smoothing, or managing someone’s emotions. Don’t judge yourself. Just notice. Awareness is the first layer of healing.

Next, practice micro-boundaries. People think boundaries have to be these big dramatic statements, but the most powerful ones are small. Things like: I can’t do that today; let me get back to you; that doesn’t work for me; I need a little more time; I’m not available, but thank you for thinking of me. These small shifts build a foundation for bigger ones.

And pause before responding. People-pleasers often respond quickly because they panic. They sense someone else’s need or discomfort and rush in to fix it. But waiting even ten seconds allows the rational part of your mind to catch up. It gives you room to choose instead of react.

Another is to let people have their own emotions. This is one of the hardest things. When you stop people-pleasing, some people will feel disappointed, surprised, or confused and that’s okay. Their discomfort does not mean you have done something wrong. It just means you’re showing up differently than they’re used to. Let people adjust. They can. And the right ones will.

Remind yourself of the 333 rule. When you feel the urge to people-please, ask: which third am I doing this for? Am I trying to win over the third who will never connect with me? Am I trying to manage the perception of people who barely think about me? Or am I forgetting the people who love me want me to take care of myself?

Reconnect with your own preferences. People-pleasers sometimes lose touch with what they genuinely like, want, or need because they’re so busy keeping the peace. Start small. Ask yourself: what do I want to eat? What do I need right now? What do I enjoy? Reclaiming your preferences is an act of coming home to yourself.

And let’s redefine conflict. Conflict doesn’t have to mean fighting. Conflict can simply mean two truths in the same room. It can mean two needs that don’t match. It can be safe, respectful, and productive. When you stop equating conflict with danger, you free yourself to speak honestly.

Finally, remind yourself that the people who truly love you don’t want you to earn their affection, they don’t need that. You don’t have to hustle for your worth. You don’t have to audition for belonging. You don’t have to always be agreeable, accommodating, and available to be lovable. You are lovable just as you are.

People-pleasing is a survival strategy dressed up as kindness. But real kindness includes yourself. Real compassion includes boundaries. Real connection includes honesty. Real belonging includes you being fully you. You are allowed to disappoint people. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to rest. 

But that’s hard isn’t it? Especially during the holiday season. If you’ve ever felt like your people-pleasing goes into overdrive between November and January, you are not alone. In fact, the holidays are almost like a perfect storm for people-pleasers. The emotional expectations are higher, the family dynamics are more intense, and the social pressures multiply. Everywhere you look, someone wants something, needs something, expects something, or is silently disappointed about something.

During the holidays, many of us feel this old internal script humming in the background: keep everyone happy, keep the peace, avoid conflict, don’t stir the pot, don’t disappoint anyone. It’s almost automatic. We slip into roles we thought we’d outgrown. The caretaking role. The smoothing-everything-over role. The emotional mediator role. The “I’ll host, I’ll buy it, I’ll fix it, I’ll take care of it” role. And it’s because holidays often bring us back into the environments where our people-pleasing habits were formed in the first place.

If people-pleasing is something we learned growing up, returning home or being around family can activate those old patterns instantly. Even if you’ve done years of inner work, the holidays have a unique way setting us back. And there’s the cultural pressure. The message that the holidays must be perfect. That everyone must be happy. That you should say yes to every invitation, every event, every meal, every errand, every emotional request. It becomes a season of overextending, overspending, overcommitting, and over-accommodating. Not because we want to but because we feel like we should.

But you can honor the meaning of the season without abandoning yourself inside the season. So let’s talk about some specific, gentle shifts you can make to specifically offset holiday people-pleasing. 

First, set your energy budget before the season begins. Just like you might set a financial budget for gifts or travel, set an emotional and time budget. Decide how much you realistically have to give, not from guilt, but from integrity. For example, you might tell yourself: I have the energy to attend two gatherings this month. Or: I can host one event but not three. When you pre-decide, it becomes easier to say no without spiraling into guilt.

Practice those micro-boundaries. They’re especially important during the holidays because there are so many small requests that pile up. Micro-boundaries might sound like: I can stay for an hour, not the whole night. Or: I’m happy to bring one dish, but I can’t coordinate the entire menu. Or simply: I’m not available for that this year. These are gentle but powerful ways to honor yourself without creating unnecessary conflict.

And create a holiday check-in ritual with yourself. Before saying yes to anything, ask three questions: Do I want to? Do I have the energy? And Is it worth it in the long run? If the answer to any of those is no, that’s your cue to pause. You don’t have to force a yes just because the season feels pressured.

Let go of the myth of the “perfect holiday.” People-pleasers often believe they’re responsible for making the season magical for everyone else. But the real magic comes from presence, not performance. It comes from connection, not perfection. When you release the pressure to orchestrate everything, you actually create more space for joy, spontaneity, and freedom. Allow others to have their feelings. Holidays often bring disappointment or unmet expectations and that’s ok. When someone is upset, uncomfortable, or inconvenienced, your nervous system may jump into overdrive trying to fix it. But remember: their feelings are not your responsibility, and not your failure. You can be compassionate without being responsible. You can listen without over-functioning. You can care without carrying.

And pre-plan your no’s. If you know certain requests or patterns tend to pull you into self-sacrifice, prepare your script ahead of time. You might rehearse a phrase like: I can’t take that on this year, but I hope it all goes beautifully. Or: I’m keeping this holiday simple and slow, so I’m saying no to extra commitments. When you have the words ready, the moment feels less overwhelming.

Remember to build in recovery time. If you do attend events or gatherings, schedule quiet time afterward. Even a 20-minute reset can help your nervous system unwind before you move into the next thing. A check in moment, a walk, a breath practice, or even just sitting in your car doing nothing can prevent burnout.

And, remember the 333 rule more than ever this time of year. Focus on the one third who love you. They’re the ones who don’t need you to be everything. They don’t need you to host perfectly. They don’t need you to attend every event. They don’t need you to sacrifice your well-being. They love you as you are, and that love doesn’t require over-functioning.

Before we close, let’s take a moment. Place a hand on your heart or your belly. Feel the rise and fall as you breath. Let this land in your body: you are worthy of love that doesn’t require you to disappear. And for this week, think about one thing you are willing to let go of, one thing you can say no to, one way you can show up for yourself and do that. And maybe consider some more small changes you can make this holiday season so you too can enjoy more peace and calm.

Thank yourself for showing up today. Thank yourself for listening. Thank yourself for being willing to explore a new way of moving through the world. If this episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who might need it, especially someone who always shows up for others and deserves a little reminder to show up for themselves too.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing this work. Thank you for letting me be a small part of your healing and your growth. You are becoming someone who chooses authenticity over approval, who chooses honesty over harmony, who chooses alignment over self-abandonment, you are becoming who you are meant to be, little by little and peace by peace.