72| Good Intentions, Wrong Energy: How Tone Might Cost You Real Connection & Peace

Have you ever said exactly the right thing and still walked away feeling like the conversation went completely wrong? Or that certain people just drain you the moment they start talking, before they've even finished a sentence? And what if you're that person to someone you love? Let’s talk about tone today and small changes that help.

Transcript

Have you ever said exactly the right thing and still walked away feeling like the conversation went completely wrong? Or that certain people just drain you the moment they start talking, before they've even finished a sentence? And what if you're that person to someone you love? Let’s talk about tone today and small changes that help. This podcast is always 20 minutes or less so you don’t have to feel overwhelmed or overhaul everything in your life, but just make small, simple changes to create more calm and peace. To get to your better life, make small changes and begin to live it!

Hey, welcome back my friends and if this is your first time, well let’s hope we get to build something together in our self care journey. Today we're diving into something based on the saying you’ve probably heard which is “it’s not what you say but how you say it.” We talk here a lot about what we say. We talk about boundaries, we talk about communication styles, we talk about the words we choose. But today we're going to talk about something that runs underneath all of that, something that hits the other person before the words even fully land. We're talking about tone. Specifically, we're talking about how your tone is creating energy, sending energy, and either inviting connection or quietly closing the door on it, sometimes without you even realizing it.

So let's get into it with me first saying that the tone is the message before the message. It’s what sets, well the tone of the conversation. Imagine two different people walk up to you and say the exact same sentence. The first person says it with a warm, open quality to their voice, “hey can you help me with this?” There's a kind of energy that says, "Hey, I trust you, I need a hand, we're in this together." The second person says the exact same words, but there's an edge to it “hey, can you help me with this?” A kind of flatness, or maybe a sharpness, that makes you immediately brace a little. Your body tightens up. Your brain starts trying to figure out, is this a criticism? Am I in trouble? What's this actually about? Same words. Completely different experience. That's tone. And that's what we're exploring today.

The thing to know is that before your brain even processes the content of what someone is saying, it's already read the tone. It's already made a preliminary assessment of whether this is a safe conversation or a potentially threatening one and whether you should open up or protect yourself. That happens fast, most times without you even being aware of it and there's research that supports this. Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a UCLA psychology professor, conducted studies back in the 1960s and 70s looking at how we communicate feelings and attitudes. What he found is that the actual words we use account for only seven percent of the emotional message we send, that’s it. The rest is split between tone of voice, which he found accounts for about thirty eight percent, and body language, which accounts for about fifty five percent. What this means is that tone carries a huge amount of the emotional weight in any given interaction. We’re not primarily sending messages with our words, we're sending them with how those words feel when they hit someone.

So if you're walking around thinking that as long as what you're saying is technically accurate or technically reasonable, the other person should just be fine and should receive it fine, this study suggests you reconsider that. Because the other person isn't receiving just your words, they're receiving your energy. And that brings us to the next piece of this of energy in, energy out. When someone comes at you with a harsh tone, a clipped tone, an impatient tone, your nervous system responds. It might be subtle, it might be a slight tension in your shoulders, a little quickening of your heart rate, a subtle shift into a more guarded posture. You might not even know what’s happening but your body felt it it reacted and immediately wanted to protect you.

And what's really interesting are something called mirror neurons, which are these incredible little neural mechanisms that help us attune to and mimic the emotional states of people around us. We tend to start to match the energy that's coming at us. It's not a choice in the moment, it’s almost automatic. Someone comes in tense and sharp, and within seconds, you can feel yourself getting a little tense and sharp too. Someone comes in calm and warm, and there's a softening that happens, almost like you exhale and feel safe. A study published in the journal Emotion, conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin, looked at emotional contagion in everyday conversations, meaning how one person's emotional tone spreads to another. They found that people were significantly more likely to mirror the emotional energy of the person they were talking to, and that this happened very quickly, often within the first few seconds of an interaction. And what's more, once that mirroring happened, it shaped the entire mood of the conversation that followed. 

Think about a time when someone came to you with an aggressive or dismissive tone and you found yourself matching it. You got a little defensive or a little more dismissive. And suddenly you're in this weird loop where neither of you is actually communicating anymore, you're just trading matched energy. Take a moment and think about one conversation maybe in the last week where this might have happened for you. Not to judge it, just to notice it. Because awareness is always step one. And then think about the flip side. Think about a time when someone came to you flustered or upset, and someone else in the room stayed calm and grounded, and you could feel the whole energy of that interaction start to settle. That other person didn't have anything profound to say. They didn't have to solve the problem. Their tone did the work and their energy was the message received within your bodies and then within the conversations.

Now what about when the receiving person simply chooses not to engage? Sometimes when people comes at us with a difficult tone, we don't match it. We shut down, or mentally check out, or we physically leave the conversation as quickly as we can. And I want to say that can be completely ok, because choosing not to engage with a certain energy is actually a really healthy, self protective response. It's your nervous system doing its job and you choosing peace instead of the alternative. But from the perspective of the person sending that tone, this can be deeply confusing. They might walk away thinking, "Why didn't they respond? Why are they being so cold? Why does nobody ever want to talk to me?" And they might not connect it at all to how their tone landed, because they were focused on the content of what they were saying, not on how it was being delivered.

This is where it gets really interesting from a self care perspective. Because when you're the person on the receiving end of a difficult tone and you choose not to engage, you're protecting yourself, and that's good. But you're also potentially leaving the other person without any feedback about what happened. And so the pattern continues. They keep sending the same energy. People keep retreating. And everyone's confused. And this is one of the quieter ways that tone damages relationships over time. Not in big dramatic blowups, but in these slow, steady withdrawals where people just... stop reaching out. They stop engaging and eventually relationships become more distant and communication just stops being effective in any way or just stops completely.

 So how do you move forward with that person. You know the one. Maybe you love them dearly. Maybe you work with them every day. Maybe, you’re that person in certain situations, and that's okay because that's why we're here. I'm talking about the person who, when their tone comes up in conversation, says something like, "That's just how I communicate. I don't mean anything by it. I'm just very direct. People are too sensitive." Or sometimes it's, "My family just talked this way. That's how I grew up. It doesn't mean I'm angry." And in most cases, they're really not trying to be hurtful. They're not walking around scheming about how to make people feel small. Their tone is a pattern, usually a deeply ingrained one, often from years and years of modeling or environment. It's a habit. And like any long time habit, it doesn't feel like a choice anymore and it just feels like who they are. But the truth is that intent and impact are not the same thing. And if your intent is to be understood, to be heard, to actually get your point across effectively, then the impact of your tone matters. Because if the tone is landing in a way that causes people to shut down, disengage, or get defensive, then your actual message isn't getting through. You might be delivering the exact right information in exactly the right logical sequence, and none of it is landing, because the person on the other end is in self protection mode.

Maya Angelou said it beautifully: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." And I love this quote in the context of tone because it really cuts through the whole "I didn't mean anything by it" argument. It doesn't matter what you meant. What matters is how it landed. And it's possible to care about both. So if you're someone who identifies with the "that's just how I am" communication style, this is not an indictment of who you are as a person. It's an invitation to consider whether your current style is actually getting you what you want. If you want to be understood, if you want people to actually receive your ideas and respond to them openly, if you want to stop feeling like nobody listens or people are always defensive around you, then exploring tone isn't about becoming someone you're not. It's about getting more effective at being who you are. 

Think for a moment about one relationship in your life where you feel like your message often doesn't land the way you intended. What might be happening in the tone underneath the words? For example, if you want your partner to be more responsive, more caring, don’t you think you might get further if they think you’re being responsive and caring rather than being on guard? I know a couple where one always sounds grumpy or pissed off and the other responds in kind or simply ignores them. I knew they loved each other and I mentioned how it sounded like they didn’t even like each other. And yet they both would defend the other to the end so what practical shifts can we offer that don’t require a personality transplant? And not a thirty step overhaul just some real, small accessible starting points so we all can think they actually like each other.

The first thing is simply slowing down. A lot of harsh or clipped tone comes from speed and loudness. We're moving fast, we're stressed, we've got seventeen things on our mind, and our words come out stripped of warmth because there isn’t room for warmth at the pace we’re moving at and it’s loud because we have no time for anyone to miss what we say. But even just taking one breath before you speak in a charged moment can create enough space for your tone to soften naturally. It sounds too simple but listen. No I don’t think so vs no, I don’t think so.

The second thing is to pause and picture. Before you go into a conversation that you know has some charge to it, whether that's giving feedback, addressing a conflict, or even just asking someone for something when you're already frustrated, take a moment to picture the outcome you actually want. Not just the information you want to deliver, but how you want the other person to feel at the end of the conversation. Do you want them to feel heard? Respected? Motivated? Supported? Now ask yourself if your current tone matches that goal? This only needs to take a few seconds but it can completely shift the energy you bring into the room.

Third, and this one is particularly helpful for folks in the "that's just how I am" category but start asking for feedback from someone you trust. Something simple like, "Hey, when I'm stressed, do you ever notice my tone shifts? Can you tell me what that's like from the outside, how that sounds for you?" Now you might not love what you hear. But that information can be a game changer, because it gives you something specific to work with.

And fourth, this is something I want to offer specifically for those of us who are on the receiving end of difficult tones is to call it out gently. Something like, "Hey, I want to hear what you're saying, but I'm finding it a little hard to take in right now. Could we try this again later?" You're not attacking the person. You're not telling them they're wrong but that you need to hear it in a way where you can actually receive what they're trying to say. That's a benefit to both of you.

I want to close with how we talk about self care in a lot of ways. Sleep, nutrition, movement, boundaries, therapy. All of it is real and all of it matters and is essential in our self care catalog. But I'd argue that being intentional about the energy you're sending and receiving through tone is one of the most underrated forms of self care there is. When you walk through your day generating a tone that's warm, grounded, and intentional, you're not just creating better outcomes in your conversations. You're actually regulating your own nervous system in the process. There's a feedback loop there that the tone you project externally reflects and reinforces your internal state. So when you slow down and lead with warmth, even when it's hard, you're also doing something kind for yourself. You're keeping yourself out of that reactive, high-cortisol, draining defensive energy loop that's exhausting for everyone involved but especially for you. 

And when you start to notice tone coming at you and you make a conscious choice about how to respond, whether that's matching it, gently calling it out, or choosing not to engage, you're exercising a kind of emotional response that is deeply self respecting. You're saying I get to be intentional about the energy I participate in. That’s another powerful self care move for you and to also maybe to gently help move the other person towards change once they see how their tone is affecting their relationships.

The ripple effect is amazing. When you shift your tone, even in small ways, the people around you feel it. They respond differently. And sometimes, without either of you saying a word about it, the whole energy of a relationship, a household, a team, a friendship starts to shift. You become someone who people feel safe around. Someone whose conversations people look forward to. Someone who gets their point across because the delivery made space for the message to actually land. And don’t you want that? If you’re tired of feeling frustrated with your conversations and you regularly hear it’s your tone, just a small change could make a huge change in how people hear you and respond. 

Before I let you go, I want to leave you with a few things to carry into your week. First, pick one conversation, just one, where you're going to be intentional about your tone before going in. Think about the outcome you want, picture the other person actually receiving your message, and bring that energy into the room with you. Then notice what happens.

Second, if you've got someone in your life who you think might benefit from this conversation, I want to invite you to share this episode with them. And I mean that in a non-passive-aggressive, caring kind of way. Just send it with love, something like "Hey, I really liked this one, thought you might too." Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do for someone we care about is share something that might quietly open a door for them. Or if this episode hit something for you, if there was a moment where you thought "oh, that's me" then share it with friends, family or coworkers and acknowledge how you saw yourself and that you’re going to make small changes and ask them to be open and honest with you in a gentle way to help you stay accountable.

So I ask you to follow or subscribe so you don’t miss our future conversations. And leave a comment, let me know what you got from this, what more do you want to hear about and if you loved this, then please leave a 5 star review. I will read your comments and reply and it does help get this out to more people who might need to hear it. Thank you for being here, thank yourself for taking time for yourself today. Let’s keep doing what we can to help improve how we all communicate, how we show up for each other and keep showing that we care about each other, little by little and peace by peace.