81| Secret Self Care Thru Random Acts of Kindness

What if self care isn't always about doing something for yourself at all, but doing something small for someone else instead? Have you ever noticed how doing a random act of kindness for a total stranger can feel almost as good as when someone does something kind for you? Even if you’re not an extrovert, we’ve got some easy ideas of things you can do that no one needs to even know about. 

Transcript

What if self care isn't always about doing something for yourself at all, but doing something small for someone else instead? Have you ever noticed how doing a random act of kindness for a total stranger can feel almost as good as when someone does something kind for you? Even if you’re not an extrovert, we’ve got some easy ideas of things you can do that no one needs to even know about. This podcast is always 20 minutes or less so you don’t have to feel overwhelmed or overhaul everything in your life, but just make small, simple changes to create more calm and peace. To get to your better life, make small changes and begin to live it!

Welcome back friends, or hello for the very first time. I'm so glad you're here today, wherever you're listening from, whether you're driving, folding laundry, or just sitting somewhere quiet having this little moment for yourself. Today we're talking about self care that doesn’t feel like self care and that's random acts of kindness. Not grand gestures, or the kind that needs an audience, but the small quiet ones. I think more people are doing this than we know and it really matters and makes a difference more than we realize, especially at times when we feel disconnected or worn down, so let's get into it.

 I want to start with a little bit of history, because while random acts of kindness are, well random, the phrase isn’t. The phrase random acts of kindness actually traces back to something a writer named Anne Herbert scribbled on a placemat at a restaurant in California back in the early 1980s. She wrote something along the lines of practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty, it was as an offset to the phrase "random acts of violence and senseless acts of cruelty" and that little phrase eventually spread and became something of a movement. What started as one sentence on a placemat turned into an entire cultural idea, one that reminds us kindness doesn't need a plan. It can just happen, unfolding in the middle of an ordinary day. I love that the whole concept began so small, because that's really the heart of what we talk about here every week. Little by little really can become something meaningful.

That idea of one small gesture multiplying into something much bigger actually reminds me of a movie that is one of my favorites called, Pay It Forward. If you haven’t seen it (and I really encourage you to...I’ve seen it probably about 6 times) the whole premise centers on a young boy who's given a school assignment to think of something that could change the world, and instead of writing a paper, he comes up with this idea. Instead of paying someone back for a good deed, you pay it forward to three new people instead, and each of those people does the same for three more, and so on and so on. What’s beautiful about that story is how it captures something we intuitively know to be true but rarely stop to think about, which is that a single act of kindness doesn't just end with the person who received it. It has this quiet potential to keep moving outward in ways we may never get to witness and that’s what happens in the story as it unfolds and all the kindness comes back around to the beginning. I won’t say much more as I don’t want to spoil it but honestly, watch this movie if you can. 

So let's talk about what these acts of kindness actually look like, because I think sometimes we hear the phrase and our brains jump straight to big things. Volunteering at a shelter, organizing a fundraiser, something that requires a lot of energy and a lot of interaction. And if that's what you want to do and you have that capacity, that's wonderful. But for a lot of us, especially those of us who feel a little tapped out socially or who genuinely don't have it in us to make small talk with a complete stranger, kindness can look so much smaller than that but still just as impactful. It can look like paying for the coffee of the person behind you in line at the driveup and just driving off without waiting to be noticed. It can look like leaving a book you finished on a park bench with a little note tucked inside for whoever finds it next. It can look like leaving flowers on a neighbor’s doorstep. None of these require a conversation. None of these require you to perform kindness in front of anyone. They just require a small decision and a small action, and that's it.

I think this matters because so many of us carry this belief that kindness has to be loud to count, that it has to be visible or acknowledged to actually matter. But that's just not true. Some of the most powerful acts of kindness are the ones nobody ever traces back to you. Just returning a shopping cart that isn't yours. Picking up a piece of litter on your walk and just tossing it without announcing it to anyone. Bringing in a neighbor's trash cans from the curb because you're already outside anyway. These are all things you can do completely on your own terms, at your own pace, without ever having to interact with another human being if that's not where you're at today. And I think that's important to name, because kindness doesn't have to cost you or drain your energy. It can actually be one of the gentlest forms of self care there is, which might sound backwards at first, but stay with me.

Think about the last time you did something kind for someone, even something tiny, and nobody ever found out it was you. How did that feel in your body? For most of us, there's this little glow that comes with that, a warmth that has nothing to do with being seen or praised. That feeling actually has a name in research circles. It's sometimes called the helper's high, and it turns out there's real science behind why it happens. Researchers at the University of California, Riverside, ran a well known study where participants were asked to perform several acts of kindness a week for a set period of time. What they found was that the people who consistently did these small kind acts reported significantly higher levels of happiness over time compared to people who didn't, and interestingly, the effect was even stronger when the acts were varied rather than repetitive, meaning our brains actually respond really well to novelty in kindness, not just repetition of the same gesture. It wasn't about the size of the act either. It was simply the consistent practice of choosing kindness that moved the needle on how people felt about their own lives.

There's also a large scale review published by researchers out of Oxford that looked across dozens of separate kindness studies, and what they found was a clear and meaningful link between performing acts of kindness and increased wellbeing for the person doing the giving, not just the person receiving. And the benefit wasn't only emotional. Giving to others was associated with lower levels of stress and even some physical markers of better health over time. So this isn't just a nice feeling we're chasing. There's something happening at a deeper level in our nervous systems when we choose to be kind, something that seems to soothe us just as much as it helps whoever is on the receiving end.

I think part of why this works is that kindness gently interrupts our inner narrative, especially when that narrative has gotten a little dark or a little stuck. If you've been in your own head lately, replaying worries or feeling low, choosing one small act of kindness can act like a tiny circuit breaker. It doesn't erase what you're feeling, and it's not about bypassing real emotions. We've talked before about how your feelings are always valid and never something to rush past, but it does give your mind something else to focus on for just a moment, something outside the loop it's been stuck in. And that small shift in focus can be surprisingly powerful.

Now I want to acknowledge that some of you listening today might be thinking, that all sounds nice, but I don't have the energy to be kind to anyone else right now. I'm barely holding myself together. And if that's you today, I want you to know that is such a valid place to be, and I'm not here to guilt anyone into performing kindness when you're running on empty. But sometimes the very act of doing something small for someone else is what actually pulls us out of our own heaviness, even just a little. Not because our problems disappear, but because for one small moment we stop being the only main character in our own story, and that shift can be relieving rather than draining, especially when the act itself asks so little of us. Think of it this way. When we're struggling, our attention tends to narrow. We get tunnel vision on our own pain, our own list of worries, our own exhaustion, and that narrowing can actually make everything feel heavier than it might otherwise feel. A tiny act of kindness can widen that lens just a little bit. It reminds your nervous system that you still have something to offer, that you're not just a person who receives hardship, you're also someone capable of creating a little good in the world, even on a hard day. That reminder alone can truly feel like it’s a healing feeling

There's a quote from Aesop that no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. It's not about scale. It's not about whether the person you helped ever finds out it was you or ever says thank you. The value exists the moment the kindness happens, independent of anything that comes after. I think a lot of us grew up believing that good deeds only count if someone notices, but that's simply not true, and honestly, releasing that belief can make kindness feel a lot lighter and a lot more sustainable to practice regularly because the pressure gets lifted of trying to do the right good deed or doing it the right way. All good deeds are simply that, good deeds.

So let's talk about something small and real you can do today, because as we always say here, small is where the shift begins. I want you to think of one act you could do this week that requires zero conversation. And if you’re stuck, here’s a list of a few:

• Hold the door open for someone, man, woman, young or old...I promise you don’t have to have a conversation or even make eye contact if you don’t want to
• Leave a little tail of toilet paper hanging off the roll in the public bathroom so the next person doesn’t have to keep turning and turning trying to find it. Tha’s actually one of my favorites
• Pay for the coffee or toll of the person behind you 
• Leave a book on a park bench or in a little free library with a little note like “you matter” in it 
• Pick up litter on your walk and toss it, maybe bring a bag on your walk and even get one of those long claw pick up things at the dollar store so you can pick a bunch of stuff up (that’s for us overachievers)
• Wear a shirt with a positive message, I love the shirts that have the sayings on the back for the person behind you
• Move a branch or a rock out of the way if you see it on the street
• Return a stray shopping cart that isn't yours, maybe return a few of them
• Donate gently used clothes or books, or maybe cans of food directly to a shelter's drop-off bin 
• Shovel snow or rake leaves for a neighbor's walkway before they wake up
• Bring in a stranger's trash cans from the curb if you're already out on your street anyway
• Leave extra pet food or treats at an animal shelter's donation bin 
• Plant something, flowers, herbs, in a shared or public space for other people to enjoy
• Bring in a flavored creamer to work and add a note that it’s for anyone who wants to try it

Those are all easy so just pick one. You don't need a list of twenty things to accomplish this week. You need one small, doable thing that fits into your actual life and your actual energy level right now. And then, after you do your one small act, whatever it is, take just a moment afterward to notice how your body feels, how do you feel. Not to judge it, not to analyze it, just to notice. Is there a little lightness in your chest? Do you feel a little lighter, are you maybe smiling a little more? This noticing matters because it helps your brain start to associate kindness with relief rather than obligation, and that association is what makes the practice sustainable long term rather than something that feels like one more task on your plate of things to do.

I also think it's worth mentioning that kindness toward others has this quiet ripple effect that we don't always get to see, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. When you leave an extra tip for the wait staff if you have it, you have no idea what that server's day has looked like, or what that extra bit of money means to them today. When you fill a donation bin in your neighborhood, you don't know which family walks by that night needing exactly what you left there. And I think there's something beautiful about doing good without needing the full story, without needing to witness the impact firsthand. It requires a kind of trust, a trust that good put out into the world does something, even when we don't get to watch it happen. And then that trust begins to turn towards you and you trust that you are a good human, that no matter what happens, you trust your heart to be loving.

I also want to gently mention, because I think it matters, that kindness isn't only something you extend outward. Sometimes the same principle applies inward. If the idea of doing something kind for a stranger today feels like too much, consider directing that same energy toward yourself first. Making yourself an actual meal instead of skipping it. Letting yourself rest without guilt. Speaking to yourself the way you'd speak to a friend having a hard day. Self kindness counts too, and sometimes it has to come first before we have anything left to extend outward, we have to direct it inward first and that's okay. There's no ranking system here. There's no rule that says outward kindness matters more than the kindness you show yourself. Kindness is kindness and it reverberates in your soul no matter who it’s directed to.

As we start to wrap up today, I want you to think about kindness less as a task to complete and more as a lens you can choose to look through. It's not about becoming a different person or adding pressure to an already busy life. It's about noticing the small windows that already exist in your day and choosing, every once in a while, to look through one of them and do something. A flower for a stranger. A kind word left behind for someone you'll never meet. An extra can of soup dropped into a donation box on your way into the store. None of it needs to be big. None of it needs an audience. It just needs to be done and felt within your own heart.

And if today's episode gave you even a small spark, I'd love for you to think of one person who might need to hear this too, especially someone who feels overwhelmed by the idea of connecting with people but who still has so much good to give in their own quiet way. Sending them this episode or sharing it with them noting that this made you think of them can be its own random act of kindness.

If you enjoyed today's conversation, please follow or subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next, and if you're able, leaving a rating or review to help this little community keep growing into something that reaches more people who need it. Thank you for spending this time with me today, and thank yourself too, for choosing to show up for your own peace even in a small way like this. Maybe listening in today is your own kindness to yourself. Remember that kindness, even the quiet kind, even the kind nobody sees, still counts, still matters, and still moves something good through the world. Let's keep choosing love and kindness, random acts of kindness, to help ourselves feel lighter, and to help the world feel brighter, little by little and peace by peace.